Jane Birdwhistell Wells has taught at her alma mater, Lewisburg, for 27 years. In the following article, she reflects on the violent death of one of her former students in a confrontation with police in North Russellville Tuesday.
I’ve always been told to keep my mouth shut...and I've never been great at saying the right thing at the right time, either. I, like so many others, am brokenhearted tonight.
As a teacher for 27 years, I have loved more kids than I can count. I remember their faces, their voices, the funny things they do. I remember how they could be so "middle school" mad and petulant one minute, then wanting a hug or telling a joke the next. My kids are forever my kids. Some I never completely understand, some jump in my heart and stay forever. Some of "my kids" are now grandparents; many have kids who I have also had in class. I love the connections. I love the memories.
But this heartache is just so hard. It's hard because I don't understand -- and you all know that I want to control everything, so this feeling of helplessness is painful.
I know in the past, when I've seen OTHER cities have OTHER people who have committed crimes....I'm all about the victims, blessing their hearts and praying for them. And don't get me wrong --- it hurts me beyond belief what my county, my neighbors, OUR people -- have been through today. Innocence has been lost.
But I'm feeling it from the other point of view for maybe the very first time in my long life -- someone who loved the instigator of the events of the day.
Joe will forever be the mischevious middle school boy who made me laugh, who also made me cry -- which is not easy to do --because I couldn't get him to listen to me. We have kept in touch; not a lot of people have my cell number but he did. And he used it. And I wish he had used it more,
I wish I could understand what was going on in his mind and heart. I hate the pain he has caused others. I hate the doom and despair he must have felt, because the Joe I knew would have never caused the pain he has caused his family and friends.
I have lost students to accidents, to war, to drugs, to prison. I have not lost one like today and I just don't know how to handle these emotions that are all over the place.
Be gentle with his family; if I am feeling this degree of pain, I cannot fathom their grief. I hurt for Lilli. I hurt for Heather. I hurt for Marah. Obviously the whole family -- but these are the faces I see.
As a teacher, I want all of my students to be happy and healthy and content and to choose the right paths. I will always feel like I should have done something. Last night -- BEFORE -- as I was driving home from school, I saw the redbuds at Joe's house -- and I thought, "Oh Joe's redbuds are so pretty." Maybe I should have stopped to tell him. Or maybe he doesn't even live there anymore, the For Sale sign is gone.
I have felt depressed about the direction it feels like our nation/society is moving; everything just feels so wrong. I also feel so much for the police officers; God Bless and I don't know how you do it every day.
I think I have rambled far too long. My language arts friends -- forgive my run-ons, my incomplete sentences. My punctuation, capitalization, and other errors. Just needed to share my heart -- except it feels just as heavy now as it did at the beginning.